My day of jubilee

Whaddup peeps?

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I assume you have all noticed that today was the day of my coronation, and that you served your betters well while they were in town. My coronation ceremony was something I had looked forward to for years, since I was a little kid. And I was not disappointed!  It was followed by a great feast packed with music, dancing, and, my one true love, food. I was not allowed to decide the appetizer or the main course, but I got to pick the dessert. I chose to serve a gigantic chocolate soufflé with raspberry coulis and pink sprinkles. In addition, my favorite artist, Justin Bieber, performed a new song he had written in my honor, titled “Long May He Reign”. This is my new favorite song, and therefore I expect you all to play it at least once a day, followed by a prayer praising me and my reign.  

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During Justin Bieber’s performance, while I was dancing with my cat, Ser Pounce, I noticed a girl staring at me. She was tall, hawt as hell, and a few years older than I was. In addition to this, she had a rare commodity most girls at court lacked, big bewbs. I nodded at her, cool as a cucumber and reaching my full swag potential, while mouthing “Sup?” The girl looked me in the eyes while mimicking a cat, looking feisty as all get out. Although I am not surprised that the babes like what they see when they look at me, I mean, who wouldn’t, it is flattering to witness. I know that I have got game, and it is nice to see that people acknowledge their attraction to me. I didn’t get a chance to speak to her at the feast, but according to the three-day-rule, it would be wise not to call her prematurely. I live my life by Barney Stinson’s Bro Code and Playbook, where it is written that the three-day-rule is essential in order to pick up a chick. (The Bro Code and The Playbook are practically my bibles.)

After the coronation ceremony and the feast, the Lord Protector Edward Seymour, had arranged a commemoration of my father. We assembled in the crypt where he was buried, and prayed that he would be well received by God. Even though I believe prayer is overrated and lame, it is important to keep up appearances, and act like I know what I am doing. I am the king after all. In the picture below you can see me and my father’s widow, Catherine Parr, standing by my father’s body shortly after his death. I am so sorry for the ugliness in this picture, but Catherine wouldn’t move. Although my father had terrible taste in women, I intend to honor his memory by bedding six women in six nights, which is almost a perfect week according to The Bro Code and The Playbook.

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After having endured about an hour of wailing women, I was set to perform my official duties as king. My uncle, Edward Seymour, was supposed to choose advisers and stuff like that, so I got to watch cartoons and “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” in the meantime. When they were done with all official duties, I got to explain my wishes. I decided that my first act as king would be to Knight my cat, and best friend, Ser Pounce. He is also going to love the tiny suit of armor I had custom made for him. My photographer made sure to capture this moment. Additionally, I proclaimed that from now on my birthday would be a national holiday. The punishment for ignoring this is “drawing from the prison to the place of execution upon an hurdle or sled, where they are hanged till they be half dead, and then taken down, and quartered alive; after that, their members and bowels are cut from their bodies, and thrown into a fire, provided near hand and within their own sight, even for the same purpose" (EyeWitness to History, 2001). I expect all of you will honor this day, if not for me, then at least to avoid punishment.

I hope you have enjoyed my coronation day as much as I have, and that you will continue to be as good and loyal subjects to me as you were to my father. Most likely, you will never be able to reach my level of awesomeness, but I wish you long, prosperous lives, however miserable they may be. To quote my favorite TV series, Star Trek, “Live long and prosper” (Wikipedia).

My reign is going to be ledgen… wait for it… dary!

Remember to follow me on my social media pages!

Twitter: @KingEdofSwagger

Instagram: @SelfieKingEd

Tinder: EdwardLuvsLuvsTheBabes

GoSupermodell: FabulousEddyBoy

Sources:

•   EyeWitness to History, 2001. "Crime and Punishment in Elizabethan England". http://www.eyewitnesstohistory.com/punishment.htm.  www.eyewitnesstohistory.com. (Accessed 21.10.14) 
•  Wikipedia. “Vulcan Salute.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulcan_salute. www.wikipedia.com. (Accessed 21.10.14)